Not My Will ...

First of all what a joy it has been the last several months to cuddle, rock, feed, change and play with such a beautiful baby. Asher has become such a joy in my life. I feel myself thinking of him, planning activities where he can be with us, and completely satisfied when I catch his smile. This is the life.
A few weeks ago, probably 3, I got a text from Asher's case worker Candice asking when she could come and do her monthly visit. I told her a few days that i would be available and she said she wanted Veronica to be there so would check with her and get back with me. Dun dun dun is how I felt. Veronica is the case worker of the other 7 siblings. She's great and I love her knowledge and confidence. The problem wasn't that she would be coming, the problem was WHY.
The worst thoughts began creeping into my brain. Is there another relative that's come into the picture? I kept coming back to the aunt in Illinois. Kurt told me not to worry about it; that it was probably nothing. I was having nightmares about it, but calmed down more when it seemed Kurt was fine.
Arrangements were made for April 15th at 2pm and when the day finally arrived I once again found myself searching for the Why.  Veronica arrived first. She looked in at what we had done with the nursery, we small talked about taking Braylon home the Saturday before, and she answered a few questions we had. Finally Candice arrived and the news I dreaded was revealed.
The aunt in Illinois had indeed resubmitted her name and was now going through the background process in her state and Utah.  I think Veronica could sense my disappointment and quickly assured me that the aunt is most likely trying to keep ties with her brother (Asher's dad) and so needed to try just to keep some family bond. She also explained that the aunt has a felony from 6 years ago and other charges that may keep her from even passing the background check. IF however she did pass, because she is trying to straighten up her life, Veronica would fight to keep Asher in our home because of the bonds he has made with us and his 7 other siblings. She didn't feel like that move would be in Asher's best interested. She smiled confidently and said there is wording that we use or don't use with the judge to help persuade them to go our way.
Honestly by the time they left I wasn't freaking out but I still felt a sting of fear. I want what is best for Asher, but I want him even more.
So the drama continues. Please pray with us that we can keep this little man. Kurt still feels confident and that strengthens me. I feel like there have been too many signs proving he is mine already, but my faith has been tested before and this will not change my course;  I'm determined to be faithful and to pray..."Not my will Father, but Thine be done."

We went swimming on my birthday. So much fun

He wasn't sure about the water but still willing to give a few smiles.

I thought this was too cute. Asher loved getting serenaded.

So to help with the bonding to his siblings we quickly set up another sibling visit. :) Look at how much like his older brothers he is starting to look. They really are such good kids with fun personalities. I hope Asher still inherits that. They have all changed so much in just 2 months.

With big brother Alex and sister Evaunna (I forgot what they are changing her name to)

Kurt playing with James and Jonathan

with brother Nathan. He loved holding Asher until he got spit up on. :)

Twins!!! with brother Ethan

with sister Kathryn

Several of the kids piling up in their dad's truck to head to some ward function. Loved the goodbyes.