My Three Miracles of a Miscarriage

It’s like waiting for the ice cream truck to drive by when you have a dollar to spend and he doesn’t come. He doesn’t come for such a long time that you stop waiting by the window. After an even longer time you stop perking up your ears to hear any jingling musical sound. 

After another year and a half of just waiting (because we weren’t seeing any doctor’s and I honestly didn’t know what the next step would be) I was marking my period start date on the calendar.  I’d gotten so used to marking my start dates from getting asked every time I went in to see the doctor originally that it just became habit. It was September 2010 and I realized there had been some time since the last time I had marked my period.  I counted the days and I was late by 20 days. I made a comment to Kurt about it and wondered frequently if by some chance I could have actually been pregnant.

28 days later as we were helping my little sister pack for a trip to Chile and then for her mission and my older sister and I were loading up our things as well, I was talking about how bad my PMSing was this month. My older sister asked if I was pregnant and I said no. But then I remembered I should be starting pretty soon and hadn’t. I snuck into my bathroom and used a pregnancy test. I remember it was a very strange feeling.

As I watched the lines slowly form into the resounding “Yes you are pregnant” I sat there emotionless. I didn’t know if I should tell Kurt. I didn’t know if I wanted to. I didn’t feel excited. I had been waiting over 4 years for this moment and now I felt nothing. I finally decided Kurt should know. I brought him into the bathroom and showed him the pregnancy test.

Kurt was super excited. He hugged me and then proceeded to tell me that just that evening while attending an activity with the youth in our ward another leader had with him his little boy. Kurt thought to himself how neat it would be to have kids. He never talked about it but the story made me realize that I wasn’t the only one with the desire to have kids.

We decided not to tell anyone about the news until after we were sure we were having a baby.  A day later I left with two other sisters to visit my parents in Santiago Chile. The trip was 10 days and the hardest of my life. I loved being with my parents but I wanted so badly to talk to Kurt about what was going on for us. I wanted to lay in bed and dream about what we were going to name it, what we wanted to do in the nursery and how this was going to change our family forever. I couldn’t even talk to him when we skyped each night since too many ears were near.

The Sunday we were to leave I started spotting.  I remember I would lay on my little cot each night and thank Heavenly Father that my breast were still so tender it hurt to lay on them. But the tender wasn’t as bad this day. No, No! I was filling with panic but didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I should tell anyone.  I was sitting on the couch just before heading to the airport after trying to call Kurt for the last time with no answer. My sister wrote a funny email that I was sitting on the couch bawling my eyes out and needing him to call me.  We’re pretty dramatic of a family.

We boarded the plane around 10pm.  (Just a side note that LAN airline is the coolest I’ve ever been on).  As I sat there the pain was mounting. I don’t know if I have ever felt that much pain in my gut before. I was trapped on the plane for another 8 hours. I got up and shuffled to the line to use the bathroom.

Miracle one-

As I was just nearing the bathroom line a male flight attendant asked if I needed to use the bathroom. I nodded and he said for me to follow him. We went around to the other side of the plane and just as that bathroom freed up he pushed me inside.  There was a line on that side too. I don’t know how bad I must have looked for such kindness, but I sat in the bathroom for a moment. I had already put “protection” in but had no pills to kill this ridiculous pain.

Miracle two-

I came out of the bathroom and found a stewardess. She only spoke Spanish and I didn’t know the word for miscarriage. I told her my tummy hurt very badly. She eyed me for a second and went and grabbed some hidden box out of the wall. She poured something into a cup and handed it to me (I have no idea what I took but I was desperate).  I drank it and then was handed a glass of water to wash away the after taste. I thanked her and went back to my chair. I could no longer hold back the emotion. I started weeping. How on earth could I break the news to Kurt? My sister thought I was laughing and started to giggle then noticed this was not funny. Of all the people to talk to (if I can’t have Kurt) she was perfect. She had already experienced several miscarriages and still had no children. She comforted me and I was able to sleep.

When the plane landed she found me some pills.

Miracle three-

On the next flight I couldn’t stop running through the reunion with Kurt in my mind. I still didn’t know how to tell him and the thought brought wet tears to my eyes.

It was like a movie you see where the couple runs to meet each other and they fall into each other’s arms.  Kurt picked me up, with my backpack and all, and squeezed me tight. When we got home I took him into the bedroom and shut the door. He looked at me and grabbed me and said “I already know.” I burst into tears and he made it all better.

He had thought from my sister’s email that I must be on the couch bawling because I had a miscarriage. It was a miracle to me because I didn’t want to say the words. The Lord showed He was thinking of me.

I used to say that I would rather have nothing happen than have a miscarriage but we decided that the miscarriage gave us hope that we could get pregnant.  We were sure it would happen.