Ever since I was a little girl my favorite number has been 24. If I had to pick a number I picked 24. If you asked when I was getting married I said 24 (I’m sure it was much to the relief of my parents). Any ways you get the picture. I had my life planned out up to a point. I would go to college, serve a Spanish speaking mission for my church at 21, come home finish school, get married at 24, buy a Jeep Wrangler and have kids and be a mom. Not too shabby of a plan minus a few details.
So far everything has gone to plan. I was accepted to Brigham Young University and by my 21st birthday I had received my mission call to San Jose, CA Spanish Speaking. Sure there were a few bumps in the road up to this point and I was put in a position to question my going on a mission and getting married at 24. 21 was starting to look pretty good. But alas my original goal prevailed and the” handsome prince” that seemed to thwart my plan was engaged to someone else by the time I returned from California.
I returned to school and began dating other available young men (some a little too available). Finally after dating the dreamiest one of all for over a year he proposed just two months before my 25th birthday. There was still time to fulfill my 24 fetish and we were married 5 weeks later, 24 days before my birthday.
My little Daewoo that my dad had given me after returning from my mission was on its last leg. It had been hit in the front while parked by a Mexican man in a truck that I knew didn’t have insurance. I only had liability so I wasn’t going to get it fixed. After I got married my lover (who is also my husband) suggested we “trade” it in for the car I had always wanted. We were doing pretty well financially, with both of us working great jobs, and felt we could pay off a loan in less than a year. After a few weeks of searching we found the perfect colored, tough looking, great sound system Jeep Wrangler that we bought and I fell in love with. The Jeep made me feel cool.
I had every goal I had ever hoped or planned for except for my last one and I had only been married for about a year and a half. I was still sure it would happen. There was/is still time.
Kurt lost his job the month after we bought the jeep and has struggled at building his own contracting business. The construction business is such a roller coaster ride. I’m just glad I’m in a seat with my best friend. I had just started going to the OB/GYN to take a few tests and blood work to only determine Kurt and I are normal. I love telling people I’m normal who would beg to diff. What does normal really mean? Anyway with the loss of Kurt’s major income I stopped seeing the OB/GYN.
Kurt was already about as stressed as they come and I didn’t want to a pregnancy to make his heart sink any lower. We never tried to prevent it but I felt it was a blessing from the Lord giving Kurt a chance to get back on his feet. My last goal would have to wait.
I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse but I have discovered that most women have an inherent desire to have children. You can push it away as much as you want, or try not to think about it, but eventually it starts eating away at Hope and Fulfillment. It’s like a void that you don’t know how to fill.
Although I don’t have children yet (and I stress the yet), I am so grateful for all the many wonderful things in my life: A handsome man that supports and stands by me, A loyal and obedient dog that is getting pretty good at catching a Frisbee in flight, I live in a beautiful warm home that I can decorate however I want, I have a healthy body, really warm gloves for my hands, cars that run, great family on both sides, I see the Lord’s hand in my life, I still have hope and I feel very loved.
6 comments:
Des, I always thought you were awesome, but now I think you are WAY more awesome than I knew. It's awesome to hear your thoughts on the subject of infertility. I can't imagine it's ever easy, and I love that you are such a positive person. You are always so fun to be around. Great post!
Thanks for your post! Thanks for focusing on all the blessings you have in your life! I love your great attitude!
Loved your post and can totally relate. We wanted kids right from the start. I had 5 miscarriages in a row over a five year period. One of them being an ectopic. It was that event (that I thought would end our chances of ever having children) that the solution was found to carry a pregnancy full term. I will never forget my yearning to have a baby. I feel for you as you've apparently met this challenge head on with faith. That is hard when it seems unfair that it is so easy for others to have kids. You are awesome and will make the most fun, adorable mother ever! Everyone loves you and Kurt and will rejoice with you when that day comes that you become parents.
wow thanks everyone! I thought this would be such theorpy for me but now it's just feeding my ego. ;)
You have such an amazing attitude and perspective. I love all of your goals and how you fulfilled them! I can somewhat relate to the infertility. I can't completely relate, because I have been blessed with two daughters. It took us a year and a half to get pregnant with our first, and I had to undergo surgery to make it happen. It took another year and a half to get pregnant with number 2. I had surgery again. It didn't work. I went through two rounds of IUIs and we now have our miracle #2. We both have always wanted at least 3 kids, but I don't know if that's going to happen. Neither of us want me to have surgery again. I went through 4 unsuccessful rounds of IUI and then some alternative treatments. It's only been 14 months, but I've pretty much come to terms that two might be our number. I feel blessed to have my girls and this has made me strive to be a better mother to them. I know that you will be granted the righteous desires of your heart, it might not be in the time or in the way you had planned, but it will happen. You are amazing and I can learn a lot from you! Sorry for the blog post of a comment :-).
We love you guys! You're an amazing family, and I wish we lived closer. Or that you lived closer. :) The Johnsons are always in our prayers. Even though we've been blessed with Katie, we've been struggling with some unexplained infertility now. It's so painful, and I have so much trouble understanding the plan that has yet to be unfolded. Love this post. You're full of awesome.
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