Permanency Hearing

It's probably fear of being hurt again because I wanted and lost, but I know I've really put a fence around my heart this time around with Ethan. I love him to be sure. It's hard not to when you serve such a cute kid for so long. With so many of our other placements I knew whether they would be mine or not just by the feelings I had with them, but with Ethan it was different. I was happy thinking he'd get to go home and i felt happy thinking he'd get to stay with us.
A few weeks ago while sitting during a church sacrament meeting I suddenly got a strong feeling of anxiety thinking about Ethan having to go home. We were coming up on the permanency hearing which would determine if his mom would be granted more time to get requirements done and get sober or if we move to termination of rights.
I've been trying to be supportive and helpful. I would encourage his mom at visits or team meetings. I would tell her how much her son loved and missed her. And when she stopped coming to visits I sent pictures and videos via Facebook. I even had Ethan call and Facetime her because he needed to see her. I was trying to help push for reunification but as I sat in that church building thinking about him I felt a pain believing he may go back. I try and push aside those feelings because it's not fair to anyone really. Especially not the foster child or the bio parents, but as we got closer to the hearing I would continually catch myself hoping it would be over. Hoping an extension would not be granted because I didn't feel it was merited. We hadn't had an actual visit in over 3 months!
The days couldn't come quick enough. Ethan hoped and prayed his mom would be at court. He was looking forward to seeing her. I wanted her to be there to, for him.
I woke this morning and said another quick prayer that this would not drag on any longer if Ethan wouldn't end up going home. Let it end so he can begin to settle and find where he belongs again. Limbo is confusing. When we got to the court house Ethan found his sister and began playing with her. The case worker came to fill me in on what they would be recommending to the judge. The father of the older two kids (Ethan's half siblings) was almost ready to be given custody so they needed to give him an extension but the case worker was hoping the judge wouldn't give one to Ethan's mom at the same time. I was worried that would happen. Worried the process would drag on one hearing after another.
We were guided back to the court room and formalities with the kids began. The judge asking them how they were doing. Then he surprised me by asking one of the foster parents to come to the stand and report on Ethan. Kurt nudged me up. My heart was pounding. "So what's he learning/doing in preschool?" Umm his letters?   Ha I wasn't prepared at all "He does crafts and is learning to read small words. He is making friends. He goes with my son who is only 2 months older." I was so nervous I got a little choked up even! There was nothing to cry about!!
The kids were then excused and it was determined bio dad for the older two would get his needed extension for help getting housing and we would move to terminate mom's rights. A date was set up to determine the termination hearing. So basically a hearing to plan another hearing. Wha?!!  The grandma of the older two kids leaned over and asked if I wanted to adopt Ethan. "I was hoping his mom would get him back, but Asher will be so thrilled and I love him. "I know you do" she whispered.
That's when it started flooding in. I wanted to bawl right then and there. Joy and sorrow welled in my heart. Joy I was closer to adopting, I knew Asher would be so happy and the fun having two boys in the same grade and being my "twins" was a pretty entertaining thought. Sorrow because I knew not so far away there was a lady who has been torn down by an addiction that she can't seem to overcome, she was losing her children, and there was a little boy who called her mom that would be heartbroken knowing he wouldn't get to reunite with her again and play with all of his beloved and unforgotten toys.
Since mom didn't come to the hearing I sent her a Facebook message letting her know I was heart broken for her. I told my family and then had to run and pick up Asher from preschool. I was 5 minutes late and by that time I could hold my feelings no longer. I started bawling. I felt so bad his preschool teachers had to behold my drama and I tried to control myself quickly and get out of there.
As we got to the car Asher looked at me seriously and said "Mom, how did court go?" "It went fine. The judge needs us to keep Ethan longer." Oh to capture the joy and happiness of a five year old boy who took that to mean "We are adopting Ethan." Asher gasped in excitement and jumped happily in the car.
I think something pried open a hole in the fence around my heart because today as I watched Asher and Ethan playing together I felt a great sense of love, not just for Asher but Ethan too.