He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is usually a fool. – Brigham Young
A few years ago while attending a stake girls camp up at the Heber Valley Girls Camp, I was wrapping up the “5” mile hike I was leading. I had brought a jumbo bag of candy and was letting the girls take one on their way back down to camp. My two youth leaders were heading up the front and I took up the rear since I had to wait for all the girls to take a treat. 3 leaders lagged behind me. At first my mind wondered on how the hike went, what I should do different next time, then I started humming a few songs floating through my brain. Part of the way down I overheard the 3 behind me (2 ladies and a bishop) talking about people in their ward not being sensitive to one of the ladies infertility problems. I turned around and apologized for listening and asked the gal how long she had been “trying.” She said 2 1/2 years or something and I told her that I had been trying for over 3 and know how she feels.
I had a lot of catching up to do since I missed most of their previous conversation. I asked her what offends her. She told me that people have asked why her and her husband bought such a large home if they don’t have children. Another time someone came up and said “You’re just glowing. Are you pregnant?” I told this young lady that often people just want to help. They don’t mean to offend and are mostly curious or simply aren't thinking. I told her that I usually respond with a funny comment like “Nope not pregnant just becoming celestial.” Or whatever comes to mind to help me smile rather than cry.
As we continued down the mountain so did the conversation. Upon reaching the bottom we said our “Nice to meet yous” and “Goodbyes,” and I went on my way with my ward girls. Later the bishop from the hike found me and thanked me for butting in when I did. He said I was sent from heaven at that very moment to talk with a woman in need of comfort. I didn’t feel that I had been much comfort, but it is always nice to talk with someone that understands what you’re feeling.
To be honest with myself and you, there are times when I have a hard time finding something funny to say to an offensive comment. Instead I want to sink in my chair or run away and cry. Some of the worst comments have been:
1. (in a prayer on Mother’s Day) We’re thankful we can all be mothers. (how do you say Amen to that ;))
2. Enjoy it now while you can! (I always want to say that back to them)
3. Aren’t you glad you’re not pregnant and in pain like they are? (I’m in pain now)
4. I’m grateful that I am worthy enough to have children (this one I can usually deal with)
Taking offense is super easy. You can twist almost any genuine comment to be hurtful, but we’re not allowing others to share their feelings. Not only should we be sensitive to the many situations people live in but we must not allow ourselves the bitter pain of offense. Often we are blessed even more.
5 comments:
I love you Desiree! You are always so inspiring and caring. You remind me so much of a neighbor I once had in Midland whom I shall always admire, respect & love so much. I have never known anyone quite so special & it appears she has taught her daughters her same qualities. I hope you & Kurt have a wonderful Christmas in Hawaii. I will continue to pray for you & Kurt.
Hi Desiree. You are so right when you said that taking offense is super easy. I think some people are always looking to be offended and that is too bad. A positive attitude really goes a long way.
Whenever I think of you I always picture you with a smile and a wonderful attitude. I always look forward to seeing you and Kurt at Alpine. Sure love you guys. Have a great time in Hawaii.
Be of good cheer.
Don
Thanks guys. I'm actually not going to Hawaii just my little sister. Maybe one of these years we'll make it to paradise. ;)
I hear you. When William was born, I shared with a friend some of the thoughtless comments we'd been getting. She and her husband had been struggling with infertility and miscarriages, and she said she just tried to respond to the comment the person "should" have made. I've tried to remember that. It's helped.
I think there's another kind of insensitive comment that those of us with children often make, intentionally or otherwise. If I'm complaining about changing diapers or not sleeping, for instance, it's easy to say to a friend struggling with infertility, "Of course, I shouldn't complain to you -- sorry!" Seemingly sensitive, I can't help but wonder if something like that rubs it in, or reminds them of their struggle. Even if it's something that's ever-present in their minds, I don't want to add salt to the wound, you know? I try not to make comments like that, and instead just share struggles and joys like I would with anyone.
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