It's Just Not Fair

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not. -Oscar Wilde



from hirebetterblog.com


Several years ago I tricked Kurt into going to LDS Family Services by telling him I wanted to take him somewhere special. I didn't tell him where we were going until we had just about pulled up to the building. He could only be frustrated for a moment when I reminded him he had pulled the same heartless trick on me when he told me we were staying at some resort in Park City for the night, but forgot to mention the part where we sit through a Time Share spill. Not cool.

We had talked about adoption and I was super curious how it all worked and wanted to gather all the information I could to help make wiser decisions for our future family. I had told Kurt about these little monthly “meetings” LDS Family Services did to help inform couples about the process and help them get started. He wasn’t to the point of adoption yet and so didn’t feel the need to go as I did. You may call it lying, manipulation or whatever, but I got him there and he was kind enough to stay.

As we walked into the conference room with several other couples and families all seated around the table I couldn’t help but notice the many children in the room. I believe one of the members of the Quorum of the Twelve had just died the day before so they told us the meeting would be short and less formal. We were all given adoption packets and they asked if anyone had any questions. A few people raised their hands asking about the schedule of events and the wait period. Another asked about the fees involved.

As the questions continued I scanned the room. Some of these people had two or three children playing around them, others had one and the rest of us looked to have none. My emotions and jealousy ran away with me as I began to think “Just let the rest of us get ONE!” I wanted them to know how unfair it was that they were becoming my competition in this supply and demand battle for children.

When we made it back to the car I told Kurt of my feelings of frustration and envy. I knew I was in the wrong for even thinking the way I was but shared my feelings regardless. Maybe I was hopeful that Kurt would feel the same or simply validate my feelings and we could moan about it the rest of the way home. Thankfully he did not. He asked me if I would be happy with just one child. Even if I was able to have my own children could I only hope for one? “Well no.” I guess I have always pictured several kids running around and I would want a chance to offer siblings to my child. The “only child” life always seemed so boring. I benefitted too much from my siblings that I would wish the same for my kids. Kurt explained that those families had just as much a desire for the families they dreamed of as we did for ours.

Life is so individualized that what we deem “fair” can’t always be found. Is it fair that druggies or women that will have an abortion get pregnant when there are so many praying for the same result in good families? Is it fair that two graduates from college take different jobs and very different pay? Is it fair that a talent comes so naturally to some but others struggle their whole lives to master? Is it fair that some are born in a free land while others suffer under a demanding government?

We have all been given unique qualities and gifts in this life. Maybe if we factored in all those for each person we would see the Lord’s version of “fair” and be a little less eager to judge or demand more for ourselves.

(I know what I gave Kurt for Christmas this year did not equal out to be the same as what he made for and showered me with. May our lives be "unfair" because we choose to give too much.)