Forgiveness is hard to come by this time around. Forgiving my self and the things I should have said during court or wish I would have known when we first got involved in this case, forgiving the foster family, forgiving the case worker who failed to contact us in a timely manner. For 12 months we worked our way towards what to me felt like a major custody battle I don't hope to experience again, but honestly felt like it was what the Lord wanted us to do. On Decemeber 19th and 20th we shakily made our way in to the court room. Kurt and I were nervous. Nervous isn't even the best word for it. We were freaking out! No amount of prepping can prepare you for what you experience on the stand. You forget things and say whatever comes first to your mind. I mean the decision could be life changing! Kurt and I vowed to be honest and kind and I think we were. There were moments of defeat and moments of celebration and by the end we felt rather victorious.
Waiting for an order from the judge would be awful but we felt like it had been proven that the children were not awful with us and that the foster family only claimed such because of their desperation to keep them. How could he go against us?
Back in August or September of 2016 I googled to find rulings on similar hearings as ours. Sadly every single one went with the foster family because of time. There were several judges who were arguing against the ICPC paperwork saying is slows down the process for kinship so much that they believe it to be more harmful then helpful for allowing quicker kinship placements. TIME. That had me pretty worried.
Finally on January 30th, after celebrating Asher's 4th birthday and Kurt's 39th, as I was heading out the door to begin the trip to Butte Montana for the 14th time, we got word from our attorney letting us know the dreaded verdict. Time had won again.
I get it! I really do. 17 months for two beautiful, young children is a very long time. Honestly I think the judge would have made that same decision no matter what else would have been said. I felt a loss. I went to my room and pulled Asher up in front of me and told him we wouldn't be getting Gentry and Hope. I bawled. He asked me to stop crying but I couldn't. He gave me some time alone and I curled up in the closet and bawled and bawled.
Kurt and I have been through some very challenging trials during our 11 years of marriage, but moving on from this one has proven to be the hardest. I am usually looking for every door out of my sorrows but somehow find myself looking back in too regularly. We have lost two darling kids.
I think the hardest most painful part of this loss is that we now have no contact with the foster family. They will not look at my messages on Facebook, they will not answer my emails and they have not allowed us to continue having a relationship. I cannot express the sting it brings to my soul.
And then there is Asher. He played so well with them. For 13 months he prayed faithfully for them and suddenly it's over, that's it, no more, done! He asked a few days after we received the order from the judge if we could try again. And he continued to pray. This week for the first time in 15 months he changed his prayer and asked the Lord to bless the kids that need to be in our home to come. We got off our foster hold and are now waiting for another placement. Another adventure awaits and I look forward to moving forward, but wish the out come of the last had been happier. There is no such thing as being loved too much or by too many.
So we took Asher's next oldest brother, James who just turned 5, to the park with us the other day. Maybe I'm biased but there really is an instant bond between bio siblings. It was a reminder of the connection Asher had with his younger brother. It was sweet and beautiful and I'm so very grateful he has an opportunity to love them. To know them.
A friend made a comment a few weeks ago that has really driven deep in my heart and mind. She quoted Elder Holland "Salvation is not a cheap experience and it was never meant to be easy. Let us not worry about why it is so hard. Accept difficulties. Count it as a privilege to suffer and be discomforted. Because in some small way, we are sharing in the Savior's experience." Another comment she said was can we "drink from the bitter cup and not be bitter?" Can I? This one sure has such a yucky after taste. I know the power of TIME and that Christ is even more so. We shall heal and we do forgive. And I will continue to partake of the bitter cups given to me and pray for Christ's strength to not shrink.
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