Sixth of Eight

“‘No power or influence can or ought to be maintained … , only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; …

“‘Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

“‘That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death’ (D&C 121:41, 43–44).

Class #6 Discipline Techniques / Stress Reduction for Foster Families

Being married 6 years has given Kurt and me plenty of time to do our share of parent watching.  We’ve often come home from an evening out and discussed our “findings.” It usually involves the manner of discipline used or the lack there of.  We’ll talk about how we would hope to act in the same situation or maybe try to soak up what was viewed. Parenting styles are so different; it is interesting to decide what will work for us. Yes, you are being watched by those still in training.

Kurt and I have known since our Foster Care Orientation meeting the first of May spanking and other forms of physical discipline would not be allowed on the foster children we host. We would often talk about what we could do instead. Sadly at the time we were baffled to think there might be anything more effective.

We were both spanked as children and always assumed we would use the same force when necessary.  I realized children needed to be punished differently. For me, my dad could simply threaten a spanking and I would change. If he said he was disappointed in me I felt a jab to the heart. Like a little black lab dog I wanted to do whatever made them happy with me.  I have a sister who was different than me. Not that she loved spankings but they did nothing to change her behavior. It wasn’t working but just like Kurt and me, my parents didn’t know what would work better.

Class 6 was long awaited and we eagerly attended with open minds. After all, a big chunk of our plan was being thrown out the window and we needed help with disciplining solutions.  It was interesting for me to realize that often we spank because of our need to feel powerful, let out our own anger, or get revenge.  When I learned this I realized I could never imagine our Heavenly Father spanking any of his children. I had another reason to learn patience and self control.

Something that really impacted Kurt was the contrast between Discipline vs. Punishment.  The root of the word discipline is “disciple” while the root word for punishment is “punitive”.  Is the child doing something because they are willingly following or is our parenting more of the punishment type where they’re just behaving out of fear.

There are few occasions when spanking is as effective as other methods of correcting misbehavior. These may be occasions when there is an immediate need to change a child’s behavior—if he is in imminent danger, for example, or is abusing another child.

Physical punishment, in fact, loses its effectiveness when used with any frequency. The big problem with spanking is that it is generally used for the wrong reasons, as a release for emotions rather than as a means of disciplining the child. No discipline, particularly physical discipline, should be used to vent our anger. – Disciplining with Love (Sept 1985 Ensign)

Here is a list of Discipline Strategies that we came up with as a class

1.       Time out/thinking time

2.       Chores

3.       Communicate the problem – Restitution 

4.       Cool down walk

5.       Re-direct/distract

6.       Loss of privilege/toy time out

7.       Logical consequence – clearly and directly related to the misbehavior

8.       Natural consequence

9.       Bargaining/Compromise/Bribbing

10.   Research/writing assignment

11.   Nap time (HALT= Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)

12.   Journal writing to vent/Love journal

13.   Post the rules

As we walked out of that class I felt elevated. I knew what I had learned was good stuff. I wanted to share this knowledge with everyone. I’m grateful I’ve had opportunities to practice discipline by working in a daycare, babysitting, at work and in nursery. It makes me happy to know that if I just learn to be more like my Savior my parenting techniques will improve.

Now rather than watching parents I have started noticing the different effects discipline can have on their children. I never want my children to be afraid of me or my temper and I especially pray I don’t pass my struggles on to them.

“When little problems occur, as they inevitably will, restrain yourself. Call to mind the wisdom of the ancient proverb: ‘A soft answer turneth away wrath.’ (Prov. 15:1.)