Decisions Decisions

“At least you want children, and that desire will weigh heavily in your favor in your earthly lives and beyond because it will provide spiritual and emotional stability. Ultimately, you will be much better off because you wanted children and could not have them, as compared to those who could but would not have children.”
-Boyd K Packer

After the disappointment of four failed attempts at artificial insemination the question became “So now what?” Does the Lord want us to wait? Does He want us to keep pursuing this dream? Emotionally I felt a bit drained. I didn’t want to do anymore trial procedures. I wanted results.


I was sitting in a church sacrament meeting one Sunday and the speaker was telling about her family and essentially the importance of the temple/prayer. I didn’t know that she had also struggled with infertility. Although that was interesting enough what caught my attention was her desire to trust in the Lord. While at the temple she prayed to know if having children was in her future. If it wasn’t she prayed that the Lord would take away the strong desire and hope she had.


I wish I could capture the feeling that shot through me as she said the last part. Take away the hope. It reminded me of the months and months of fooling myself into believing that I was pregnant. Hoping and praying that I could finally rejoice in the months of “agony” about to follow. Hope. The thought brought me to sobbing. And as luck would have it I was on the front pew and I don’t cry quietly. As I tried to gain control of myself, I thought about the request. Without hope or desire this would no longer be considered such a trial.


So now what? Since Kurt and I still had hope we decided to keep plugging onward in our efforts.  We attended another orientation meeting with LDS Family Services. I was all set for adoption, ready to fill out the packet, pay my $1000 to get on the list and wait. The agency encouraged us to be sure this was the road we would take and asked that we not try other fertility methods while on the waiting list. It was then that I realized Kurt still had a solid desire to have his own kids.  He was dragging his feet. He worried about being able to afford me and a child. The packet went in the drawer.


It seemed In Vitro or Adoption loomed in the distance and decisions were going to need to be made before we got too old, or senile to care.  We had talked about both but were still headed in different directions.  I hate needles and In Vitro has no guarantee for your money, but if it works the baby is yours, a piece of the two of you. With adoption we could be waiting for years and there are the risks of open adoption. But on the other hand, you don’t have to go through the pain of labor, you only pay when you get a child and you get the neat experience of going to the temple to be sealed.


There are about 10 families in our neighborhood that have a connection to adoption. Either they adopted or were adopted as children themselves. One of those neighbors asked to go out for dinner together so they could share their experience and answer any questions we may have.  I’m a pretty open person gleening from other open people and I felt as though I was feasting on their every word.  They spoke in detail of their experience with AI and In vitro. They spoke of their two experiences with adoption and the differences between the two agencies they went through.  In a strange way it was spiritual for me. As if I felt more direction. The information was simmering inside of me and I couldn’t wait to be alone with Kurt to discuss it.


Kurt surprised me by saying his desire to try In vitro had actually gone down, while his desire to apply for adoption had gone up. As a result of our double date with our neighbor friends, we decided this was our answer as to what to do next. When we could get to a specific amount in our savings to help us both feel prepared, the packet would come out of the drawer.